"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, sensitivity and an understanding, which fills them with compassion, gentleness and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen."- Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Grief

We know only too well, that grief does not stop just because the funeral is over. Once the other mourners have left the funeral and the family go back to their lives again you can be faced with perhaps the most difficult time of all.

Grief is a natural reaction to the loss we experience when someone we care about dies. As painful and difficult as it is, the grieving process is an important step in healing, although there are no magic timeframes.

Grief can be described as standing by the ocean, sometimes it feels like a tidal wave that knocks you down, you are breathless and disorientated. Other times it feels like you have you head just above water but could be dragged under at any time. Some days the waves are up to your waist and it takes a lot of energy just to walk through them. And then there are days when the water is lapping at your feet but you are still able to focus on the beach and the horizon.

Grief can present in different ways for different people and can be displayed in physical, emotional behavioral and psychological ways.
 

Funerals play a very important role in helping us to cope with our grief.
They are for the living  they provide us with an opportunity to say our goodbyes, to be with people to give and receive support and to reflect and share the memories of the life of someone we have
lost that mattered to us.

When someone we love dies, the funeral is not for them, it’s about them. The funeral is for everyone who knew, loved and was connected to that person.

Typical grief reactions can include but are not limited to:

EMOTIONAL- feelings of shock, disbelief, fear, anger, depression, hopelessness, sadness, longing, guilt and feeling abandoned, empty or directionless.

PHYSICAL- panic sensations, chest tightness, difficulty breathing, headaches, nausea, loss of appetite, sleep disturbances, constant crying, nightmares, restlessness and agitation.

BEHAVIOURAL- withdrawal and isolation, avoidance of triggers of the loss, resentment towards others, feeling disconnected from others and misunderstood, feeling rejected or isolated by friends.

PSYCHOLOGICAL -being preoccupied with the loss, thoughts that the pain will never end or that you can’t cope, suicidal thoughts, difficulties with memory, concentration, planning, and decision making, flashbacks and painful memories, loss of interest and motivation.  

STAGES OF GRIEF
There are several typical stages of grief, although they do not necessarily occur in order and at times they overlap and re-occur.

SHOCK/ NUMBNESS An initial stage of shock occurs when you first find out the news. People often describe this as being in a zombie like state and some people appear to be functioning well on the outside. Our adrenaline process takes over and a feeling of numbness can prevail as a protection mechanism from the reality. This stage can last for a few days to a few weeks. 

DISBELIEF/DENIAL It is natural to question the loss of a loved one and to be a state of disbelief. Some people want to avoid any planning or involvement of a funeral due to this disbelief as these actions reinforce a painful reality. Common thoughts include “This can’t be true” ‘This isn’t happening” ‘I’ll wake up and it will be a bad dream.” This disbelief can extend to other people and a wondering how they can be going about their day to day business, or even be having fun, when your world has been changed forever and the pain is all consuming.

ANGER/GUILT It is very common to feel anger towards your loved one for leaving and for the pain you are experiencing, or turned inwards towards yourself i.e. “I’m furious that I did/didn’t ....”  Some people find that this anger is directed in other ways towards inanimate objects, family and friends, strangers or injustices within systems. Anger can also be directed towards a higher power and questioning of belief systems “why did you take my loved one”, “Why is this happening to me?” ,“This is so unfair” Guilt can be very intense after the death of a loved one. The what if’s and if only’s can being preoccupying and lead to a variety of different imagined scenarios causing a great deal of pain. Depending upon the situation surrounding the death, some people experience survivor guilt for still being alive. In brief moments of pleasure you can be hit suddenly with intense guilt for enjoying yourself based upon the thoughts that your can’t share that pleasure with your loved one or that he/she won’t experience it ever again.

BARGAINING A normal reaction to intense pain is to try to regain control. It is common for people to ‘bargain’ in an attempt to reduce overwhelming feelings. Examples can include “I will never drink again if you bring him/her back/stop the pain” “If I just keep busy it will get better” “if I finish off his/her project then it will be ok” “If I throw myself into this work/charity/event I can make it better”

DEPRESSION The depression, sadness and missing of a loved one can sometimes be the longest of the other stages. It is during this stage that the true magnitude of the loss is reflected upon. The first birthday, anniversary and holidays can be difficult reminders of the loss. Feelings of despair, hopelessness, emptiness and loneliness are common. Often withdrawal from friends and family and social events occurs as you reflect on the memoires of your time together and grieve for the loss of future expectations.

ACCEPTANCE/ADJUSTMENT This last stage of grief occurs as you start to manage problems that occur as a result of the loss. You start to process the reality of the situation and gain hope that your future can be brighter. Acceptance does not mean forgetting, as this is impossible. Also, acceptance does not mean you will not ever feel the grief again, as many unexpected situations can trigger memories (i.e. a song, a car, an advert, birthdays/anniversaries, a phrase/comment etc). Acceptance is about adjusting and creating a meaningful life, re-evaluating values and using the loss to truly appreciate the importance of those we care for who are still in our lives. A good analogy of acceptance is that grief is like a massive black ink blot on a piece of paper. The ink blot covers most of the paper so that only a few white edges can be seen. That ink blot doesn’t change. As we process the grief we learn how to add new white paper to the outside as we move through our life.